Charlie Gallagher: 38 Facts (or Not) About a Midwestern Fat Kid

Charlie Gallagher (n.) – He who shan’t be fucked with; he who is unfuckwithable.

I figure I’d try a little some’n some’n to break the ice on this here blog. I’ve spent the past couple weeks compiling thirty-eight facts about me that I feel comfortable sharing with you, my audience of approximately six or seven (thousand!!) mouth-breathing, twenty-year old dudes with a chow hole full of braces because the “ladies think they’re dope.” Granted, I honestly cannot think of thirty-eight interesting things about myself, so I guess it’s up to you to decipher fact from fiction all on your own. Without further ado, I present to you “Charlie Gallagher: 38 Facts (or Not) About a Midwestern Fat Kid.”

  1. I was born Searlus John O’Gallochobhair in County Donegal, Ireland.
  2. I had my name changed in 1997 because I was tired of kicking kids’ asses at school for making fun of it. My fist can only take so many protruding bones before I need to lay low for a while.
  3. My parents and I came to America in 1994 because they thought “Soul Train” was still on-air. With afro-picks and bell bottoms in their suitcases, they made their way to New York or Los Angeles or whatever big city in which “Soul Train” was filmed and were sorely disappointed.

    Satan

    Seen Here: Dream Crusher

  4. They took their frustration out on me in the form of physical and mental abuse, mainly involving dad’s size 36 belt and a LaserDisc copy of “Watership Down.”

    And now a pause so you can cry like a little bitch.

  5. I was raised in a modest little town in Michigan, but was whisked away to Ohio in the sixth grade.
  6. At age nine I was inducted to the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame as an honorary member.  I still have no idea what the fuck that even means or how it happened.
  7. I can only remember so much of my childhood, much of it consisting of Rice Krispies and bananas, my mom spanking me with a brush, my ball surgery, and how some kid used to punch me in the gut every time I’d go check the mail by myself.
  8. My favorite movie at age 10 was “Conan the Barbarian.” Even then I realized that Arnold Schwarzenegger was snubbed at the Academy Awards, where he OBVIOUSLY should have been given the Best Actor statue.

    I still maintain that that joint is filled with talent, success, and ‘roids.

  9. To this day I can sing 95% of Brandy & Monica’s “The Boy Is Mine.”
  10. One of best friends from Ionia has kept in touch since Kindergarten, where I remember him wearing pajamas on most days.
  11. I made the mistake of showing my ex-girlfriend, Kim Kardashian, the very first video Justin Bieber posted on YouTube. You know, just to poke fun and write silly comments…

    I am SO sorry, America.

  12. Throughout middle school my nickname was Big Thick McPrick. Even the teachers would call me by that name.
  13. I won a local talent show with my spot on Don LaFontaine impression.
  14. Due to said talent, I lost my virginity at the age of 15.
  15. Unlike 89% of Americans, I went to high school. To prove to my parents that I wasn’t a total waste of space, I passed every class with a D+. Who’s the dumbass fuckhead now, Dad?!
  16. I graduated from high school and decided to go to the University of Michigan, one of the greatest schools in the country.
  17. I am majoring in pornographic studio management and minoring in Tae Kwon Do. Yeah, those are real.
  18. I’ve written a movie script already.
  19. I have the most eclectic assortment of movie knowledge in my head. I don’t know everything, but we’ll say I’m pretty boss at trivia.
  20. One time I dared to fear the reaper.
  21. My brother, David Gallagher, played Simon in the show “7th Heaven.” Look it up.

    Don’t deny the resemblance.

  22. When I got to college I was a nervous wreck. I got so stressed one day that my nose bled for a good hour, kind of like the scene from “Drag Me to Hell” where the main character’s face shoots blood.
  23. I have a Batman shirt that I wear quite a bit. People actually scream to me for help when I’m doing my shopping now. I would save them, but groceries don’t buy themselves, you know?
  24. I used to walk to Lake Michigan (over 100 miles away from home), jump in, and swim to Chicago just because Mom couldn’t cook a decent meal.
  25. The IQ test I took recently gave me a 700. That’s higher than my credit score, which I believe is around 115 or 120. Wait…….fuck!

    To whom it may concern: Is it too late to change my mind?

  26. I’m allergic to red brick.
  27. My lack of facial hair at damn near 20 years old makes me believe God has a sense of humor and just doesn’t think I’d look good with a beard.
  28. I was approached by a hot Hollywood producer to star in a remake of “Beverly Hills Ninja.”
  29. Girlfriend Count: 0. Kiss Count: 0. Sex Count: 0. Pity Count: 56.
  30. MC Hammer still hasn’t returned my pants.
  31. I find women in Pontiac Bonnevilles extremely attractive.
  32. Last time I was at a Chuck E. Cheese, I got terribly lost in the play place and freaked the fuck out.

    Pictured: Satan and the Blowfish of Hell.

  33. Now I haven’t checked in weeks, but I’m pretty sure my weight still floats at around 180 pounds, give or take a few ounces.
  34. My favorite bands are Cannibal Corpse, Sperm Swamp, Anal Cunt, and Tina Turner (those legs!).
  35. My greatest fears are birds, bats, heights, clowns, ladders, tight spaces, centipedes/millipedes/silver fish, and the deep parts of most lakes.
  36. I made a shot for shot re-creation of “Highlander” in my backyard with the original cast, including Sean Connery and Christopher Lambert. (Let’s face it, they weren’t doing anything anyways.)
  37. Mogwai, the cure for cancer, hover cars, telekinesis and lightsabers are very much real, it’s just that no one’s asked me politely to reveal them. Say it with me: PLEASE.
  38. This blog is how I’m going to be remembered, which is alright by me.

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