Poetry…Kind Of

Last night I was just snugglin’ up in my bed at around midnight and started to have these ideas, these creative thoughts. I remember the words of some guy somewhere: “When you have dreams, you better write that shit down or you’ll forget it in the morning.” These weren’t necessarily dreams per se, but they were thoughts of awesomeness in the middle of the night. I’ll take that down as sort of dreamlike. As to not stall much longer, here are those thoughts.

Hold on to your jorts, brah.

1. The first thing that popped in my head was a love rap. (This is what we fat white guys call a parody. I know it sucks and it sounds like a shitty N*Sync song, but that is the point. I don’t need to hear that I’m bad at this. I’m more Tool than Tupac, keep that in mind.) I typically go about my days bashing rap music or anything associated with it, but I felt like this was something I HAD to write. It’s not finished, but here is what I have so far:

Even the Eye of Sauron can’t see how much

You really mean to me, girl, or the

Way your teeth shine when you smile, girl

Why don’t you stay for a while girl?

We can journey back to our place in the Shire, girl

Wait, why you leavin’ so soon and

Wait, why you callin’ me a nerd and

Takin’ me as as some sort of buffoon when

You say you ain’t ever heard a

Lord of the Rings reference before

Whatchya mean I’m not your preference anymore?

Well, girl, one does not simply walk into Mordor

And when I say Mordor I mean my door, the door that

Leads to my heart, so I guess that makes it your door


Thinking about making a huge rap-type thing with a bunch of nerdy references. NOT stereotypical nerdy — though LOTR is pretty cliche — but instead a more me version of nerdy, citing several movies and other assorted things that I love. You’ll see. It’s going to take the geek inside of you and make sweet passionate sex to it.

In the words of Lionel Richie: “ALL NIGHT LAWNG!”

2. Haikus!! I had a bunch of them running through my head throughout the past week or so and while they’re not perfect, they are pretty fun. (As a brief introduction, remember that haikus are short poems that are structured into three lines with the syllable count of 5-7-5. I find it very relaxing to write them and hopefully you find it joyful to peruse them. Please also remember that you should read them slowly and with a sort of poetic sway, if that makes any sense whatsoever.) Here goes:

My Brand of Skin

I want a tattoo.

Something meaningful. Also,

The maidens dig ’em.

A Great Hunger

Day two of the fast:

I’m doing just fine, I guess.

Might eat my neighbor.

My Lost Passion for the Game

I used to love sports,

But then Barry Sanders done quit

The Chicago Bulls.

My Surgeon is So Indie

UMich is breeding

A monster so ferocious:

The hipster doctor.

Teenage Wasteland

Katy Perry has

Ruined the music industry.

At least she has boobs.

I Miss Michael J. Fox

‘Teen Wolf Too’ was so

Very unnecessary.

No joke, just a thought.

The Journey to a Fresh Start

Trying to lose weight,

Mainly because I would like

To have sex someday.

There Can Be Only One

Ya know, I wonder:

The fuck is Sean Connery

Doing with his life?

With Love, Mom and Dad

My parents gave me

Mashed potatoes as a child.

Thanks for the man tits.

Spiritual Enlightenment

I’ve taken a break

From swearing excessively.


Thank you.


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