Reality?

Alright, alright. Shit got cleared up (kind of) on my end, which means I can spend more of my time blogging. Aww yeah, my life has meaning all of a sudden.

So, here’s the deal: You need to watch the movie Slacker; it’s a masterpiece as far as I’m concerned. Plotless, yes, but so got-damn entertaining. Any aspiring filmmaker needs to take some notes from this movie and Richard Linklater as a director. Any other “normal” human beings — or mortals, as some call them — need to watch it just to get edumacated on the art of awesome movie stuffs. You shan’t regret it!

One of the best scenes in film history comes straight from this movie. It’s funny, smart, and it really gets ya thinkin’ about life and junk. Here is said scene:

As rappers, thugs, and the majority of the world’s misguided youth say, “That shit is, in fact, quite cray.” After my good friend Sir Jacob Humphrey of Nettle Lake re-posted this awesome scene I had an epiphany: What if this guy is on to something? Little decisions I make everyday turn my thoughts into alternate realities, which means there’s probably a skinny, boring, illiterate sex fiend running around in some universe somewhere. Yeah, wrap your head around THAT shit, son.

Thou mind hath been blown.

Now, if you please, journey with me as I take a look at various decisions I have made in the past and what those little bastards in the other realities are doing now because of them.

1. I never got around to finishing my U of M application…

…so here I am on my corner, working the graveyard shift so that my pimp, Golden Grills Greg, doesn’t put the smack down on me and the other street walkers for disobedience. (He’s been known to use a rolled up magazine on us, but has since graduated to belts and wooden spoons for punishment. Bitches be trippin’ if Greg don’t get his monies.) Business has been slow around the lake. Every now and again a trucker will drive by and my muffin top will catch his eye, but they always pay for shit. They don’t understand that empty Skoal cans are NOT legal currency, despite their constant rallying and protests to get them recognized as such. Greg doesn’t like it when we short-change him. I work longer hours now and am trying my best to build up a decent clientele. So far I have three regular clients: Adam, a 30-something year old with a lot of money since he lives in his rich grandmother’s basement; Georgia, Adam’s rich grandmother; and Kim Fields, who you probably know as Tootie from “The Facts of Life.” All of them pay well, so Greg has been nice to me. So far things are working out in my favor. My mom and stepdad said I can sleep on the pull-out as long as I need to, just as long as I earn my keep. It’s no U of M education, but this prostitution business is definitely putting a roof over my head.

2. I kept on putting that key into an electrical outlet when I was a toddler, even after my parents told me not to…

…so I’m a superhero! If somebody told you I was just your average, overweight youngin stumbling around the house, not a care in the world…well, uh, they were telling the truth. They just forgot the part where I HAD FUCKING SUPERPOWERS! It all started when I found my dad’s key ring on the counter at age four. I did some reconnaissance of my surroundings and the coast was clear: It was morphin’ time! I approached my target — the two-pronged electrical outlet in the living room by the La-Z-Boy. Key in hand, I did the deed. In goes the key and out comes the hum of electrocution and the scream of a little pussy. Remember that scene from Home Alone 2 where the guy from City Slickers gets shocked? It was just like that.Anywho, my parents came running to my rescue and told me that they’d whoop my ass if they ever saw me near an outlet again. Stupid dummies shoulda known I’d to it again…and again…and again…until one day I developed the ability to control electronic devices with my mind. Yeah, it’s a pretty badass power. Do you even know how fun it is to make a Ferbie walk through the house in the middle of the night to scare anyone who crosses its path? No, you don’t, because you’re STUPID and don’t have any powers. Pew! Pew! Pew!

3. I didn’t go to that Tool concert back in 2007…

…so now I’m growing facial hair ironically. The knit cap on my head was handmade by an elderly woman in a nursing home named Babs. No big deal. My favorite bands? What’s the point of even telling you? You’ve never heard of them. Ugh, I guess I’ll let you know anyways. My top five are Jessica’s Closet, The Dragons on Main Street, Fyssssst, Punchbowl Dance Party, and Steve & Lucy. They’re local and totes indie. Come by the hookah bar later and I’ll give you their demos. Yeah, I have their demos because I went to their high school. Know what I definitely hate? These disgusting pigs who listen to heavy metal music. It’s pure trash. The only thing I listen to that’s even CLOSE to metal is this local band called Fuck the Croatians. They’re local, too. I can throw in their demo tape with all the other ones I have to give you. They’re not that good, but I support them because my ex-girlfriend’s cousin is their tour manager for the tri-state area. They get, like, a hundred gigs a year. I hope they don’t sell out. Ugh.

4. I developed an intolerance to starchy carbohydrates as a child…

…so now I’m a fucking MMA fighter! Nothing brings me more exhilaration than being in the Octagon, fool! I treat my body as a temple and make wise fucking decisions! My parents tried giving me mashed potatoes and bread and butter when I was a kid, but I slapped that shit away and said, “Juice! Give me juice! And none of that concentrated bull, I want fresh squeezed juice! NO PULP!” Just kidding, I didn’t talk like that when I was a kid, idiot! What was my first word? “Protein!” All day! Want to see my baby picture? Don’t shake your fucking head, loser! Witness the magic!

You’re probably asking, “Chuck, you’re a beefed up motherfucker; do you take the ‘roids?” GET THAT WEAK SHIT OUT OF HERE! I pride myself on building this body the all-natural way! I don’t fill my gut with ‘roids, ‘ludes, junk food, or anything with artificial preservatives! I’d love to stay and chat, but I have to go pick up a tractor tire…FOR FUN! Deuces bitches!

5. I grew a pair at an early stage of my life and asked out all the girls I ever had a crush on…

…so now I am up to my neck in late-night booty calls and pregnancy scares. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. What what holla!

Welp, time to find a way to get in touch with a couple of my alternate selves. Cheerio!

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