The Remake Rant

Earlier last week, there was a rumor being tossed around like the town floozy’s phone number: Tom Hiddleston — or, as you may know him, Loki — was in talks to portray Eric Draven in a “Crow” reboot. While the words “Crow” and “reboot” should never be fucking put together in the first place, I had a brief moment of solace and peace of my mind while I read that news. “Charlie,” I thought, “This could be amazing. Tom Hiddleston could really pull it off. I mean, look at the guy!”

Does this look not scream "emotional-yet-immortal rocker with a half stack for revenge"?

Does this face not scream “emotional-yet-immortal rocker with a half stack for revenge”?

I, for just a few a minutes, was OK with them remaking one of my all-time favorite movies. Loki would open a portal to the Bifröst and send me and my ass to a theatre seat on opening weekend.

Angels would cry.

And then more news came out, something along the lines of, “Oops, we muffed up. Looks like we’re going to get the hunky guy from that vampire show to play us some melancholy vengeance riffs in the rain.” Just like that, I’m back to being aggravated about Hollywood’s taste in, well, just about everything nowadays. How could they hold something so sweet under my nose and suddenly replace it with a sex-hungry man-pire? That stings a little.

Fast forward to today. I’m on Rotten Tomatoes and linking my way around the Internet and guess what I see? More “Crow” news! And this time it gets even worse…

To backtrack a bit, have you seen the movie “Immortals”? Of course you haven’t. No one has. It’s a “God of War” hooks up with “Clash of the Titans” and they have an ugly baby that they keep locked in the shed kind of film. They sexified mythology and got Mr. September of your local fireman calendar to play the Father of the Gods.

Samuel L. Jackson played a better Zeus...

Samuel L. Jackson played a better Zeus…

Except he’s not as badass as one of your local firefighters. Nope, this Ioan Gruffudd wannabe is Luke Evans and he is a pud. He is also the (pretty much confirmed) choice for the “Crow” reboot. Sigh. Just…sigh. If you’re going to curb stomp this remake, at least bring the HBO blood-sucker back. I’d be more accepting of that. Alas, we’re stuck with this ass clown.

Thank you, Hollywood, for taking movies that I hold near and dear to my heart, re-filming them in the kitchen area of an IHOP with a handful of “hip” actors and pissing all over any chances of likability from devoted cinephiles like myself. I hope you’re happy.

Oh, what’s that? You didn’t catch any of that because you’re busy making another “Texas Chainsaw” movie in 4-D Smell-O-Vision? Figures.

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On the bright side, I feel like I have a great shot of getting into show business somewhere down the road, so long as I’m willing to change the storylines of classic films and allow Zac Efron to receive top billing. Ch’yeah right. Give me an honest reboot or give me death.

On that note, I’d like to offer my own little idea for a reboot:

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2 thoughts on “The Remake Rant

  1. I saw a stat online the other day that went like this: in 1981, seven of the top-ten grossing films were originals. Two were sequels (although one was a Bond film, so that really doesn’t count) and one was an adaptation of a novel (On Golden Pond.) In 2011, eight (EIGHT!!) films were sequels and two were comic-book movies (Thor and Captain America.)

    Know where “Looper” finished in the 2012 box-office race? 45th. Django was 15th.

    The prosecution rests, your honor.

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