As I walked down Spy Run Avenue today — yes, that is the real name of a real road — I began to ponder some of life’s most essential questions, ones that have yet to be answered. Some of these pertain only to the area in which I live, but the others may have you thinking all night long. Here they are:
1. Why are ankle-biting dogs still around? Didn’t ancient Greek dog breeders get the hint after successful generating a Yorkie and losing sleep because the little fucker didn’t ever stop whining?
2. Are moped gangs a thing? I feel like there is a dangerously high volume of moped riders around these parts. Not only that, but a lot of these mopeds are souped-up rocket bikes that ride up and down our street twenty-four hours a day with pissed off tan dudes mounted on the back. Something’s fishy.
3. If a four-year old is choking a stranger’s child and laughing, why is that considered a joke? I work with kids all day and witnessed this firsthand. The parents just laughed and started talking like nothing was going on. “Um, hey, hi, your kid is turning colors.” “Oooooooh, boys will be boys.”
4. Why do managers and human resources directors care if you make silly jokes on Twitter? If anything you should get a goddamn promotion because you’re not a mean ol’ prick with a pine cone stuck up your ass. (I can understand their feelings toward blatantly racist or sexist jokes, but if I tell a dick joke on Twitter I don’t feel like it’s there place to tell me it’s wrong.)
5. Why are these “Fuckscapes” so damn hilarious to me? And why are they so fuggin’ fun to make?
7. How many bubblegum pop songs can you listen to in a day without being considered an actual fan? I ask because I’m a huge metal buff, but sometimes I crank up a Gaga song if I’m in the mood. It be like that sometimes.
8. Why cats?
9. Would the world be a better place if it always smelled like an outside dryer exhaust vent? Don’t lie, you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about.
10. Is Nickelback really that bad? I mean yes, they suck taint, but aren’t bands like fucking Shinedown and Three Days Grace just as bad? To me they’re all practically the same band, at least from a lyrical standpoint.
11. Is it just me or does speaking with a British accent make improvising so much easier? Seriously, if you’re into improvisational comedy or just want to try making up an epic monologue on the spot, try throwing in the Brit wit. I bet you’ll say bigger words and more coherent sentences with 50% less hesitation.
And, well, that’s it. Those are all of the questions I thought of. Remember: Think outside the box. While you’re outside, I’ll be inside fucking the box.