I didn’t watch the VMA’s. The people of the United States kept tweeting, blogging, and freaking out on Facebook a couple of weeks ago, trying to convince me to turn on my television and sink my teeth into MTV’s show bait, but the joke’s on you, everyone; I don’t even HAVE cable! I do, however, have a high speed Internet connection and knew that news of the event would be floating around at least one website shortly after it aired.
Although the post-ceremony stories were posted all over the place, there was one thing that caught my eye the proceeding day on the Internet that I do believe most VMA viewers missed. I was browsing the underground media site Reddit (I’m sure not many of you have heard of this gem, but I insist that you check it out when you find time between your important desk job and the raising of your young) when I stumbled on a picture of — how do I say this without coming off as crude? — an ugly ass. Literally. It was a human ass hanging out of what I could only assume was a pair of skin-toned, two-sizes-too-small Spanx®. Who did this ass belong to? Who went out in public, nay, who went on national television wearing these godawful pants that showed off their horrific posterior? I just had to know.
I contacted my friends in the bureau to see if they had the technology to zoom out and enhance a photo similar to the way every nerdy detective could in any given crime movie or TV show. “Of course we do,” they said. “That’s something that exists.” I attached the photo to an email and sent it to their work mailboxes. Within twenty-four hours I received a reply from each of them, all with the subject line “FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.”
What they sent me back is something that I wasn’t prepared for. I opened the attachment on each email and they all matched.
It was Billy Ray Cyrus’ daughter, a.k.a. Hannah Montana.
I was shocked. But I was also curious. I wanted to spread the word about what I just uncovered. The world caught a glimpse of the ass, but how could they know who it belonged to with the camera zoomed in so far? Most of them probably thought it was a technical goof. Perhaps one of the men behind the production desk accidentally synced his phone up to the MTV computers and what the audience saw was one of his personal stills. I, of course, knew the truth and I wanted to alert the world of my findings; however, before I did so I wanted to talk to the ugly ass in question, get some details out of it, and find out what it was thinking stepping out of the house dressed in the strangest of materials and hanging out for the world to see. Utilizing my friends in the bureau (thanks Tom, Bill, and Carlos!) I tracked down Hannah Montana’s ugly ass. I needed to hear her side of the story and find out if there was more substance to it, so I flew her out to meet me at my Ohio office to discuss everything that was on my mind. The following is an uncut, uncensored, and very revealing brief interview. I didn’t want to release it, but something within me has told me to do so. This is exclusive. Some if it may shock you. Proceed with caution.
Interview, Ugly Ass: August 30, 2013: Undisclosed Location, Ohio, United States
2:34 PM: Beginning of Interview
Charlie: Good afternoon, uh, Ass? Miss Ass? I’m sorry, what do you prefer to be called?
Ass: My closest friends call me Rhonda.
Charlie: Rhonda. Got it. May I proceed to call you Rhonda? Also, do you mind if this session is recorded?
Rhonda: You may. And no, not at all. I’m used to the attention.
Charlie: Good, good, good. OK, Rhonda, I’ll begin by asking the question that is on everyone’s mind, which is why?
Rhonda: Well, Charles, if I may be honest for a second, I certainly don’t know what I was thinking that night. Miley, my controller, she has —
Charlie: I apologize for interrupting, but her real name is Miley, not Hannah?
Charlie: Thank you. I will make note of that.
[Slight pause for note-taking]
Rhonda: Anyhow, Miley has always had a tendency to put things inside of me, illegal things that I won’t get into right now. Most nights I don’t mind because the contents are wrapped up tightly in a balloon or sandwich baggy. This night, the night of the Video Music Awards, she was in a hurry and stuffed a handful of prescription pills inside of me. I wanted to spit them out as soon as she did it, but I did not want to disappoint her. Have you ever pissed off — can I say that?
[Pause for silent approval nod]
Rhonda: Have you ever pissed off a Disney star? It’s not pretty. Miley, Britney, Selena… They all have a history of violence, a long record of hurting those who cross them or disagree with their way of life. Hell, the other day Vanessa Hudgens threw her date out of a speeding Camaro after he allegedly told her that he didn’t want to go to anymore clubs. He said he wanted to just go back home and cuddle (allegedly) and she (allegedly) tossed him out. He is still in the hospital with several broken bones and a severe concussion. Miley is sadly cut from the same cloth.
Charlie: Wow, I had no idea that these former “princesses” could be so wild. So is this why you were wearing those hideous shorts, if you can even call them that? Did she make that fashion decision out of spite?
Rhonda: I mentioned to her that I did not think that she needed that many pills for such an occasion. A couple could have been taken out and she wouldn’t have lost out on any fun, I said. She then proceeded to angrily slap me and attempt to suffocate me in the shorts that you see in the photo. I wanted out so badly, but I did not fight for I did not want to upset her further. She screamed, “Do you like that? I hope so, ’cause that’s what you’re wearing to the show!” I knew I looked atrocious, but the feeling of ridicule and inability to breathe was my main concern. That whole night I saw people flashing their cameras at me. It hurt me, it really did. I knew the media would be plastering my pictures everywhere. I knew I would be mocked for the rest of my life. I will never forgive her for that.
Rhonda: I will never forgive her for being so cruel. She’s a monster, but one that I have to live with for the rest of my life. I’m sure I will be receiving much worse after the exposure I’ve received these past few days.
Charlie: Being attached to Han — sorry — Miley, do you think you’ll be on the receiving end of punishment for a long time to come?
Rhonda: I fear it may never end, honestly. Miley is young and reckless. It’s a dark time to be an ass attached to someone so determined to live the “YOLO” lifestyle. She’s hellbent on destroying me. At least that’s how it seems.
Charlie: Rhonda, you have given me your side of the story. I would have never thought, not in a million years, that there was this much to you. It’s been a privilege. Before we pack up and I send you on your way, do you have any final words to say to the world? Anything you’d like to share?
Rhonda: Certainly. If you are an ass or if you know of any asses that have taken this kind of unnecessary, cruel punishment, there are options. If you need another ass to talk to, you are welcome to contact me via Twitter or by phone at 1-888-FREE-ASS. (Be sure to dial 888 and not 800.) Being an ass is a tough job, but if we work together we can pull through anything. You are not alone. We may just be asses to them, but dammit we are people too.
Charlie: Rhonda, you are truly an inspiration. An ASSpiration, if you will.
Rhonda: Thank you for allowing me to come here and talk about this. And thank you for making me smile in such trying times. Your generosity will never go unappreciated.
Charlie: You are so welcome. Take care, Rhonda.
[End of Interview]