Ah, L’amour

Hi-ya everybody! I’m taking a break from my flourishing online dating profile to talk to you about, well, online dating. See, I never thought I’d utilize the tool, but lately I’ve become a lonely fatty — this is a couple steps under regular fatty and one notch above depressed fatty — and being lonely sucks the largest of dicks. What the hell, there are free sites where folks like me can strike up a conversation with anyone, right? WRONG. I’ve found that being a fat, broke metalhead, albeit a self-proclaimed fun one, isn’t necessarily what people are looking for in a friend, let alone a goddamn significant other. I’ve gone from looking for love (*cough* seemingly a waste of time *cough*) to simply stating that I’d like to just find friends to shoot the shit with. Nope, users will be having none of that.

So I made a list, kids, a totally rad list that will work for guys and gals alike that are wanting to join the online dating scene. These may not come as a shock to you, but judging by the amount of people that I’ve seen visit my profile and just not even say hi back, I was a bit thrown off. Like, couldn’t you give me the common courtesy of a “fuck off, you goofy bastard” or “sorry, no fatties?” Hell, I’d settle for a “I have enough friends already, thanks.” Sorry, sorry, I digress. Here’s a list of things that you’ll need to consider before stepping into the world of creating e-friendships and/or e-friendships with benefits:

1. Be mostly attractive. This one is completely subjective depending on who’s looking at that precious mug of yours, but for the most part you have to look like you take care of yourself more than the next match. Strong personality? Engaging conversation? Laugh out loud sense of humor? GET THAT WEAK SHIT OUT OF HERE! In order to impress the pants off someone (figuratively or literally) you’re going to have to be exactly what they’re looking for. Don’t let these dating sites become one-stop shopping for weirdos and butterfaces. Come on, people, it’s called fucking decorum. Get some.

Try being this guy...

Try being this guy…

...not this assface.

…not this assface.

2. Like all kinds of music. This one seems to be pretty big in the dating world. When you start listing specific bands that you enjoy rocking out to — bands with names like Butthole Surfers or Killer Be Killed — people get weirded out. You better just say you don’t have a favorite just like everyone else so that there’s no death stares coming your way. (Disclaimer: A lot of people think “all kinds” doesn’t actually mean all kinds, it’s simply a blanket term for Imagine Dragons, Luke Bryan, Florida-Georgia Line, Jason Derulo, and the Black Keys. Try not adding variety with other bands for you will get nowhere. No one knows nor cares about that silly band called Pelican.)

3. Don’t have your own standards or types, despite seeing everyone else listing their own. You remember back in high school when you and your four friends would go out and see a group of, what do ya know, five cute people? That’s one for each of you! But hey, you’re the big one in the bunch, so it’s only right that you go for the big one in that group. No one wants to be with your gelatinous ass! Take one for the team this time and every time! Apply this same principle to your online dating standards. If you post double-chinned selfies, then don’t expect to be able to even lift a leg onto the high horse that others are riding. Stick to ones “like you,” just like your friends taught you long ago.

4. Don’t expect to become anyone’s friend. Dating sites are for dating ONLY! If you explicitly say that you’d like to be friends with someone, guy or girl, then no one will believe you because there’s always a motive. Sincerely wanting to just talk and possibly hang out is too much and no one cares about being your friend. Skip the bullshit and find friends the old-fashioned way: Lord of the Rings chat rooms.

Shout out to my homeboy, Craig!

Shout out to my homeboy, Craig!

5. Try not being so different. The Lord Almighty created cookie cutters for a reason, honey. No need to bake a gingerbread Goro when there are perfectly good man-shapes already made for you.

This is you. Keep it that way!

This is you now. Keep it that way.

6. Lie, lie, lie! Do you have depression? Not anymore you don’t! How much do you weigh? 180 last time you checked! You don’t like The Notebook? Fuck, now ya do! It’s all about telling your matches what they want to hear. They’ll find out who you really are once you’ve been together for six months, so don’t bore them with details of your life now. Throw down that you make $80,000 a year or that you’ve been told you’re “fucking legit” at oral sex. What they don’t know won’t hurt them!

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Did you take notes, children? Are you well on your way to becoming the most dateable motherfucker in town? I sure hope so. If you need any more life advice, don’t hesitate to call or text your Uncle Charlie. I might be a while ’cause I’m going to have Lionel Richie blasting on repeat while I dive into this Ben & Jerry’s.

By myself.

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