I was not planning on writing anything tonight, but stuff has been weighing on my mind a lot lately, especially after trying to plan a party/get-together with all of my friends. See, this task has proven to be impossible due to the volume of “if X goes then Y refuses to go” complaints I’ve been getting already. “If A shows up then B will leave.” It’s fucking exhausting, and here’s why…
The amount of effort I’ve put into getting people together in the past is astounding and the amount I put into it now is equally as impressive, even though I’m arguably the “friend” who can DO the least. Charlie — the guy who historically has had no money; the guy who got fucked financially and mentally all the way out of college; the guy who has spent countless days locked in a dark room, crying, wondering what the point of life even is; the guy who doesn’t even have a car right now; the guy who has spent quite a length of time bouncing from place to place; the guy that hasn’t even lived in the same house for an entire year of his life…EVER! — is the one trying to maintain a sense of friendliness in a world full of petty fights and broken relationships.
What’s the point of all of this bitching, you may be asking? My point is this: If I can find a way to be friends with everyone, then how is it that some people in my life (some people who have known each other longer than they have known me) can drift apart? How can relationships just end *snap* like that? It’s tragic, really. Most of these relationships ended abruptly over either A) a bullshit fight that has since blown over entirely or B) an accumulation of petty grievances that for some reason have become grounds for friendship termination. It’s not right. I’m one of the most misanthropic, cynical, asshole-ish people I know and even I can sweep shit under the rug and find the good in people, regardless of how much I want to punch them in the nose on occasion. It’s really not that difficult. My stomach twists and turns when I think about how these old relationships and how much was thrown away over such trivialities.
Having said all of this, you may be trying to turn the tables and think of times when I’ve cut it off with supposed friends and you’d probably be able to come up with several people. KNOW THIS: I have never, ever stopped caring for anyone over something so little. I have never, ever loathed someone’s existence because I think they have done me wrong. I have never, ever blocked someone from my mind because of things like little white lies, girl problems, things said out of anger, etc. It is true that I have, however, made myself distant from some old friends. I have gotten upset at myself and gone through bouts of depression, during which I tried to erase everyone from my life by deleting all traces of them. I have most likely hurt several people by being there one minute and disappearing the next.
I have also made my amends. I have had time to think about these things, talk them over, iron it all out, and come to my senses because that’s what people do. That’s called taking responsibility. That’s called understanding. That’s called trying.
You’ve gotta take into account that I understand that not everyone is meant to be friends with each other. I know that being all hunky-dory with everyone you used to be friends with may just not be in the cards and hey, that’s fine; no one’s loss if it’s a mutual thing. Hell, I’d be cool if people could just be civil with one another, bury the hatchet temporarily, and let bygones be bygones for a few. But to completely shoot down all attempts of at least talking it through with one another and lie to yourself and others about why it all fell through between the parties involved, that’s just wrong. That’s just foolish.
So, in a way, this blog post is one part an apology on my behalf, one part a boot to the ass of anyone who’s currently fighting a similar battle, and one part a think piece for anyone wondering why the fuck things can’t go back to the way they once were.
I’m pulling for you.