Parents Furious Over “Breaking Bad” Action Figures at Toys R Us, Fight to Replace Them With Child-friendly Alternative

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October 20, 2014

Fort Myers, FL — Popular children’s store Toys R Us is currently under fire for selling toys inspired by the classic television drama, Breaking Bad.  The program, off-air since its series finale on September 29, 2013, is about a suburban chemistry teacher who is diagnosed with terminal cancer and turns to selling meth to raise money for his family. Parents all over the United States are fuming over the products, stating that selling them teaches children that selling drugs could someday result in getting an action figure modeled after them. “I am OK with my son playing with just about anything,” says Martha Stanhope of Buckingham, “but I will not allow him to have these toys in his room EVER. This show promotes nothing but drugs, violence, and greed. I am disgusted with Toys R Us and will not be shopping there for Christmas this year.”

After hearing testimonies from disgruntled moms like Stanhope, store spokesperson Randall P. Newcastle made the following statement:

“The line of toys for Breaking Bad is clearly in bad taste and we at Toys R Us are in talks with Mezco Toyz to get them pulled off of our shelves. Our decision to order the Heisenberg figures took much deliberation and though we ultimately decided it would be a wise business move, the backlash we have received has made us realize that we were sorely mistaken. Once these toys are removed, we are proud to announce that we have ordered thousands of this year’s hottest toys as replacements: The Leah Messer Mommy and Me! Play-set, sponsored and distributed by MTV’s Teen Mom 2! We hope these will be our best-sellers this holiday season. Our sincerest apologies to the unhappy customers and please keep an eye out for our new line of toys in the coming weeks.”

So far, response to this news has been received well among shoppers. “I can’t wait to get my daughter this Teen Mom toy! She loves watching Leah on TV. This is a giant leap away from that filth they were selling before,” Jo Ann Caldwell said with a cart full of pink boxes. One man we talked to seemed to have no idea about the Breaking Bad controversy or the new Teen Mom toys. “This decision doesn’t affect me much,” Johnny Porter admitted. “I’m just here to get my son this cool American History X Lego set.”

Shoppers can find the Mommy and Me! Play Set at any Toys R Us location, between Playmobil’s Bank Robber and Getaway Car and Tesco’s Peek-a-Boo Stripper Pole.

Ten-Year-Old Boy Confused as to Why There is No Evidence of His Childhood Anywhere

October 17, 2024 – Eau Claire, WI

Peeta Cullen Rosenbaum, a ten-year-old boy from just outside Altoona, has recently made it public that he’s on a mission to find any pictures or videos of himself as an infant after claiming that he’s never seen a single one. “I always found it weird that, not even on my mom’s computer, there are no signs of me,” Peeta said, holding back tears. “All of the other kids at school have flash drives of pictures and videos of themselves when they were babies and I don’t. I just don’t understand why.”

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Pictured: Peeta Rosenbaum desperately scours the cloud in search of any records of his infancy.

Peeta’s mother, Stacy Carter, who separated from the boy’s father in 2016 after they graduated from Memorial High School, has avoided the discussion for some time. When asked why there seems to be no record that her son was ever younger than ten, she sorrowfully confessed, “There was an iPhone app that was popular when he was born called Snapchat. Remember that? Every picture and video I took was on that. All of my friends have seen videos of his first steps and birthday parties, but those went away after five seconds!” Stacy then broke down sobbing, calling herself a “terrible person.”

Snapchat's logo was a ghost, an appropriate image since sent messages seemed to disappear into thin air.

Snapchat’s logo was a ghost, an appropriate image since sent messages seemed to disappear into thin air.

Snapchat — a private photo and video messaging app — was released in 2011 as a way for people, predominantly teenagers, to share quick snapshots and brief videos with one another. Reggie Brown and Josh Meyers, the original developers of the application, have released several statements about the usage of Snapchat, including, “Aside from the nude picture here and the duck face there, our app was often used as a way for people to share countless images and videos of their ‘cute’ kids. We have never promoted Snapchat as an alternative to traditional cameras.” Snapchat was removed from app stores in 2017 after several civil lawsuits involving concerned parents of “sexting” teens.

Most individuals who grew up with the application knew it wasn’t meant to be a camera replacement. With the many other apps available at the time — apps like Google Drive, iCloud, Dropbox, etc — having no photographic evidence of a child’s first steps seems absurd. For Stacy Carter and countless others, however, this is not the case, and poor children like Peeta Rosenbaum have to live with the fact that their childhood disappeared five seconds at a time.

John Grisham Says Child Porn “Not So Bad;” Claims Offenders “May Have the Cure for Ebola”

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John Grisham, critically-acclaimed author of several legal suspense novels such as A Time to Kill, The Rainmaker, and, most recently, Gray Mountain, recently said in an interview with the UK-based Daily Telegraph that people who look at child pornography are not fairly tried in court. “You see, I have friends that have looked at child porn,” Grisham states, “and they got sent away for ten, fifteen years. Is that fair? Is our justice system fair? Absolutely not. These friends were drunk and unaware of what they were looking up. It’s really not so bad.” The author then went on saying that the sites they visited contained photos of “sixteen-year-old girls,” then stated “it’s not like they were little boys.”

When asked what he thought would be fair punishment for these offenders, Grisham defended them by saying, “I don’t know a hundred percent, but it shouldn’t be years! I wholeheartedly believe that these people are just misunderstood, mistaken, and perpetually inebriated. What if some Joe Schmo is locked up that may have the cure for Ebola? You’re going to feel awfully silly throwing that man in maximum security prison for simply looking at some naked kids when everyone’s bleeding from the eyes. It’s just ridiculous.”

Grisham has also gone on the record saying that he knows a serial arsonist in prison who has “for sure” unlocked the secrets of time travel.