I Don’t Want to Date Your Fat Friends

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, just as most others do before moving onto their daily routine, and do you know what I saw?

"I dunno, something like this?"

“I dunno, something like this?”

A fat guy. He gazed back at me, the mustard stains of yesteryear still staining his bulbous lips, the crumbs of pastries past still trailing down his abnormally large shirt. He stared into my soul and reminded me of what a gelatinous blob I currently am. Yet even after having a Mexican stare-down with this late-Elvis-looking sack of bones, this walking, talking gravy time bomb, we both agreed, telepathically, that we want nothing to do with your fat friend. We don’t want to meet her. We don’t want to hang out with her. We don’t want to fuck her. So please…PLEASE…stop asking.

One too many times, folks, has someone told me, “Oh boy, Charlie, boy oh boy do I have the girl for you! I think you’re really gonna like her!” And ten times out of ten — that’s 100% of the time, in case you’re not an ESPN sports analyst or something — it’s their fat friend. And ten times out of ten — again, 100% — that poor girl has nothing in common with me other than her dangerous love for all things carbohydrate. This, to me, means you and your friends (and possibly my friends) have had a discussion that went something like:

“Charlie’s a great boy, probably one of the best. I want to hook him up with someone.”

“Really? Who? The one with the tattoos and impeccable music taste?”

“No no no, not her.”

“The one who’s really good at movie trivia?”

“Her? No way! Even better.”

“Then who?”

“Agatha!”

“Wait, who’s she?”

“She’s the, well, she’s the really nice one.”

“Oh yeah! Charlie loves nice girls. They’re his favorite. Let’s do it.”

And then they contacted ol’ Agatha and asked her if she’d like to hang out with this “really sweet guy” named Charlie.

She was SMITTEN by that idea.

She was SMITTEN by the idea.

This is where the problems begin. You see, there are code words being used here that are only present to fill in derogatory comments, like “really sweet guy” standing in for “morbidly obese gentleman,” “great boy” masking “chubby sumbitch,” or the “really nice one” filling in for “hefty girl who won the blue ribbon in 4-H two years in a row.” And you know what, that’s fine. Maybe you really do think I’m a sweet guy. Maybe Agatha really is a very nice person. That’s awesome! Good on ya for being an observant friend on the shallowest level possible. What you do not seem to understand is that not all fat people want to be together. Fat people can have standards. Fat people can have types. Fat people can even desire to date only the sexiest people alive. Holy shit, ain’t that some CNN missing plane level news? Sometimes, two fat people being together just won’t work. Like, physically. Trust me on this one, it wouldn’t be pretty.

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See, if you know me, you’ll know I have a thing for women with tattoos and an attitude, women who don’t mind blasting Lamb of God on the way to the store at night, women who can keep up with my fucked up humor and spit out her own. That’s my ideal woman. Even beyond all of that, even with all of those ideal traits pushed aside, I, like everyone else on the planet, have a set of things I look for in a partner. May she be skinny, fat, short, tall, white, black, purple, cyborg, whatever, I look for personality traits before I look at anything else. Trust me, I’m not someone who’s looking to dip my wick in anything with a pulse. When I fall for someone, I fall for how compatible their personality is with my own and how well we’ll get along in all aspects of life. I don’t want to date the Agathas of the world because I may not be interested in them, not because of her weight mind you, but because after learning more about her from other people, I learned she’s a church-going, Bieber-loving horse owner with dreams of good morning texts and lots of princess-like spoiling. Me on the other hand, I like watching a shit ton of foreign horror movies, drinking Jägermeister mixed with Dr. Pepper, and am a bit of a misanthropic, cynical masochist with a penchant for dark humor. If all of that means I’ll be alone forever, then so be it. Don’t expect me to lower the bar just so I can be with a woman. What would Agatha want me for? Oh, right, because we’re both overweight. Do us both a favor and actually learn about us before trying to hook us up. That is unless you want me start hooking you up with other shallow assholes who like to jump to conclusions about their fat friends.

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For Your October Scare-a-thons

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The most wonderful time of the year is here, kids: OCTOBER! I’m a sucker for all things fall, but this month has held a special space in my heart ever since my very first AMC Fearfest back in, uh, whatever year it was. What I do know is that horror movies are my favorite things. No matter how shitty the reviews are for any horror flick, I will make it a point to sit through it and give it my own stamp of approval or, in some cases, rejection. Since I’m a nice fella with nearly flawless taste, I have compiled a list for you guys, a list of some of my favorite horror flicks. (A lot of these movies are on Netflix now, but when I watched some of them they were lesser known gems. Does my animosity towards their “popularity” make me a hipster? Meh, probably, but that’s OK.) To save time and space I won’t go into major detail for any of these, but will instead give you a brief idea of what they are about and my own little opinion to help convince you to grab a friend and some popcorn and watch them with the lights off. Without further ado, here is my list!

SLOW BURNS: Films That Gain Momentum Over Time

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1. House of the Devil – 2009, Ti West – A young college girl offers to house sit for a strange couple, only to find out they have darker, more sinister plans for her. Definitely one of the better horror movies to come out in the past five years. Be prepared to jump.

Frailty

2. Frailty – 2001, Bill Paxton – Two young boys witness their father slip into religious paranoia and start killing “demons” for God. Not many people have seen this movie, which is a shame because it packs a serious punch and will have you at the edge of your seat more than once during its runtime.

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3. The Descent – 2005, Neil Marshall – Six women go cave-diving to strengthen their friendship, but soon find that they are far from alone in the darkness. I didn’t originally want to call this a slow burner, but I think the pace is a little slower in the beginning. Personally I would say that this is in my top five of all time. It’s even scarier if you are claustrophobic.

UNSETTLING: Films That Will Turn Your Stomach While You Cower in Fear

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1. Martyrs – 2008, Pascal Laugier – A French film about a woman who seeks revenge many years after being kidnapped and tortured at the hands of a group of people seeking to understand life and death. OK, THIS is my favorite horror flick of all time, hands down. A bloody, terrifying, gut-wrenching spectacle. Watch it NOW!

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2. ABC’s of Death – 2012, Various Directors – Twenty-six ways to die by twenty-six directors. Not much else to say beyond that. (The second one came out today!)

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3. Big Bad Wolves – 2013, Navot Papushado & Ahron Keshales – An Israeli film. After the murders of young girls, a distraught father and a renegade cop decide to kidnap and torture the man responsible. A hard-to-watch yet comedic thrill ride, this will definitely get your blood boiling.

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4. The Woman – 2008, Lucky McKee – A family man encounters a feral woman in the woods and decides to give her his own lesson in humanity, all while his family watches. Lucky McKee (All Cheerleaders Die) can do no wrong. This is arguably his best work.

lola and brent

5. The Loved Ones – 2009, Sean Byrne – An Australian film about an obsessive high school girl who kidnaps her love interest before prom and ensures that he’ll never leave her. A truly twisted movie about young love and the lengths one girl will go to make a boy appreciate her.

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6. The Girl Next Door – 2007, Gregory Wilson – After her parents pass away, a young girl must live with her psychotic aunt and cousins, who torture, rape, and antagonize her to no end. This one is very, very hard to watch and will stick with you until the day you die.

FOUND FOOTAGE: Films Made In a Realistic Fashion to Immerse You Even Further

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1. VHS & VHS 2 – 2012/2013, Various Directors – Horror shorts that offer up supernatural, realistic, or even extraterrestrial scares, all from the perspective of those involved. The greatest horror series of the past twenty years.

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2. Willow Creek – 2013, Bobcat Goldthwait – A couple goes camping deep in the woods, only to be stalked and harassed by Bigfoot. Though you never truly see the monster, the sounds and practical effects alone are enough to scare the shit out of you.

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3. The Den – 2013, Zachary Donohue – While conducting a social experiment on a site similar to Chat Roulette, a woman witnesses a murder, then starts being hunted by those involved. Innovative in the sense that everything you see is from a laptop, this movie slipped under the radar for most. It’s definitely worth checking out, especially if you enjoyed VHS.

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4. The Upper Footage (UPPER) – 2013, Justin Cole – A group of privileged teens party in a lush loft for a night and accidentally kill a girl they brought over from the bar. It seems so real! Almost a social commentary about how the rich can practically get away with murder, this movie is definitely one that will make you feel a bit uneasy.

ZOMBIES: Films About, Well, Zombies

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1. The Battery – 2012, Jeremy Gardner – Two friends travel together during a massive zombie outbreak, moving from place to place and doing what they can to survive. This one’s a bit different than the rest in that it’s not necessarily violent or scary, but it still stands out as one of the greatest zombie films I have ever seen. I was reluctant to even talk about zombies (since it’s one of the most popular “genres” of today) but then I remembered this flick and felt the need to share the love.

WTF?: Films That Aren’t Really Horror Films at All But Will Still Have You Kind of Creep’d Out

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1. I Think We’re Alone Now – 2008, Sean Donnelly – A documentary about two individuals who are absolutely obsessed with 80’s pop sensation Tiffany. I don’t consider this at all scary; HOWEVER, after I watched it I felt that people can be really, really weird, which is unsettling in its own unique way.

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2. Dear Zachary – 2008, Kurt Kuenne – A man directs a film for a child to remind him of his father, who was murdered by the crazy mother. I won’t say a word about this movie, but be prepared to feel a deep sense of dread, then cry your eyes out.

OTHERS: 10 More Films That Didn’t Really Fit Into Other Categories That You Still Need to Watch

1. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

2. Slither

3. Cheap Thrills

4. Would You Rather?

5. Deadgirl

6. Kill List

7. The Snowtown Murders

8. The Devil’s Rejects

9. Splinter

10. Session 9

Ah, L’amour

Hi-ya everybody! I’m taking a break from my flourishing online dating profile to talk to you about, well, online dating. See, I never thought I’d utilize the tool, but lately I’ve become a lonely fatty — this is a couple steps under regular fatty and one notch above depressed fatty — and being lonely sucks the largest of dicks. What the hell, there are free sites where folks like me can strike up a conversation with anyone, right? WRONG. I’ve found that being a fat, broke metalhead, albeit a self-proclaimed fun one, isn’t necessarily what people are looking for in a friend, let alone a goddamn significant other. I’ve gone from looking for love (*cough* seemingly a waste of time *cough*) to simply stating that I’d like to just find friends to shoot the shit with. Nope, users will be having none of that.

So I made a list, kids, a totally rad list that will work for guys and gals alike that are wanting to join the online dating scene. These may not come as a shock to you, but judging by the amount of people that I’ve seen visit my profile and just not even say hi back, I was a bit thrown off. Like, couldn’t you give me the common courtesy of a “fuck off, you goofy bastard” or “sorry, no fatties?” Hell, I’d settle for a “I have enough friends already, thanks.” Sorry, sorry, I digress. Here’s a list of things that you’ll need to consider before stepping into the world of creating e-friendships and/or e-friendships with benefits:

1. Be mostly attractive. This one is completely subjective depending on who’s looking at that precious mug of yours, but for the most part you have to look like you take care of yourself more than the next match. Strong personality? Engaging conversation? Laugh out loud sense of humor? GET THAT WEAK SHIT OUT OF HERE! In order to impress the pants off someone (figuratively or literally) you’re going to have to be exactly what they’re looking for. Don’t let these dating sites become one-stop shopping for weirdos and butterfaces. Come on, people, it’s called fucking decorum. Get some.

Try being this guy...

Try being this guy…

...not this assface.

…not this assface.

2. Like all kinds of music. This one seems to be pretty big in the dating world. When you start listing specific bands that you enjoy rocking out to — bands with names like Butthole Surfers or Killer Be Killed — people get weirded out. You better just say you don’t have a favorite just like everyone else so that there’s no death stares coming your way. (Disclaimer: A lot of people think “all kinds” doesn’t actually mean all kinds, it’s simply a blanket term for Imagine Dragons, Luke Bryan, Florida-Georgia Line, Jason Derulo, and the Black Keys. Try not adding variety with other bands for you will get nowhere. No one knows nor cares about that silly band called Pelican.)

3. Don’t have your own standards or types, despite seeing everyone else listing their own. You remember back in high school when you and your four friends would go out and see a group of, what do ya know, five cute people? That’s one for each of you! But hey, you’re the big one in the bunch, so it’s only right that you go for the big one in that group. No one wants to be with your gelatinous ass! Take one for the team this time and every time! Apply this same principle to your online dating standards. If you post double-chinned selfies, then don’t expect to be able to even lift a leg onto the high horse that others are riding. Stick to ones “like you,” just like your friends taught you long ago.

4. Don’t expect to become anyone’s friend. Dating sites are for dating ONLY! If you explicitly say that you’d like to be friends with someone, guy or girl, then no one will believe you because there’s always a motive. Sincerely wanting to just talk and possibly hang out is too much and no one cares about being your friend. Skip the bullshit and find friends the old-fashioned way: Lord of the Rings chat rooms.

Shout out to my homeboy, Craig!

Shout out to my homeboy, Craig!

5. Try not being so different. The Lord Almighty created cookie cutters for a reason, honey. No need to bake a gingerbread Goro when there are perfectly good man-shapes already made for you.

This is you. Keep it that way!

This is you now. Keep it that way.

6. Lie, lie, lie! Do you have depression? Not anymore you don’t! How much do you weigh? 180 last time you checked! You don’t like The Notebook? Fuck, now ya do! It’s all about telling your matches what they want to hear. They’ll find out who you really are once you’ve been together for six months, so don’t bore them with details of your life now. Throw down that you make $80,000 a year or that you’ve been told you’re “fucking legit” at oral sex. What they don’t know won’t hurt them!

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Did you take notes, children? Are you well on your way to becoming the most dateable motherfucker in town? I sure hope so. If you need any more life advice, don’t hesitate to call or text your Uncle Charlie. I might be a while ’cause I’m going to have Lionel Richie blasting on repeat while I dive into this Ben & Jerry’s.

By myself.

Stuff That Happens

I haven’t written on this thing in some time, not because I like seeing the looks on the faces of women when I don’t give them what they demand, but because I am a busy motherfucker. To find the time to blog while in college is quite a task that a lot of you might understand; however, now I’m going to make it a point to include this blog in my daily life more. If you have an erection or your underwear feel funny it’s because your body was just filled with excitement. That, or you’re hitting puberty, in which case you need to GTFOMB (Get the Fuck Off My Blog) ’cause this is for grown ups. Maybe “Pretty Little Liars” is having a marathon. Check your local listings.

Getting back on track, I’ve been going through a lot of changes as of late. From starting my sophomore year at U of M to getting placed in the Michigan’s Favorite Comic competition to being asked to participate in an MTV documentary on bullying, Papa’s on his way to better things. Or this might just be a little “up period” for me and all will be back to normal in the next months. Psht, yeah, I doubt that too. NONG!

THE DEVELOPMENTS YOU CAME HERE TO READ ABOUT:

  • I’m a sophomore now at U of M.
  • I’m only a few months away from declaring my film major officially, which means the naked girls that come to my room may actually have a shot at becoming famous. (Side note: If anyone is looking for a job, I need someone to make phone calls to these girls’ fathers if they get parts in my movies. Thick skin and skills in persuasion/Jedi mind shit preferred.) Please call 567-322-2336 if interested.)
  • As I stated earlier I will be participating in the Michigan’s Favorite Comic competition. I’ve been told by many that I’m a silly MF, so I guess it’s time for me to put that to the test. If you’d like to laugh or witness a fat guy piss himself out of nervousness, please come to the Michigan League on October 5th from 7-10 PM.
  • The shameless plugs are out of the way. Rest easy.
  • My single dorm here in Couzens Hall is beautiful. Still love being able to come home after a hard day and watch The Newlywed Game sans judgment. Lemme tell ya, that Sherri Shepherd is one big, delicious gallon of chocolate drink. Mmm mmm mmm!
  • The other day the neighbor lady, who I thought had a huge problem with me, actually said hello with the sweetest smile on her face. And Jesus wept.
  • A cute girl with a nose ring complimented on the size of my load yesterday. Uh, laundry load, that is. I still think she wanted a piece, but I digress.
  • Lately I’ve been coming up with new jokes or clever additions to jokes I have already written while I’m in bed. This is a big problem because 1) I’m too lazy to get up to write them down and 2) I forget that shit in the morning. I’m actually just now remembering that I forgot what I thought of last night that I wanted to add to my list. Fuck.
  • My Grandma still doesn’t have a Twitter. My foul mind will continue to spew obscenities on these Internets.
  • I miss my lazyass cat.
  • I’m still a broke sumbitch with a heart of gold and a mouth like a filthy New York hooker who stubbed her toe.
  • I keep realizing more and more that Quentin Tarantino cannot write/direct a bad movie.
  • Since I held this off for a little while, I would like to inform you that MTV did NOT contact me about that bullying movie. They were probably too focused on trying to legitimately change their name to JSOSYLIYSSABTV (Jersey Shore and Other Shit You’ll Like If You’re Sixteen and/or a Stupid Annoying Bitch TV).
  • My buddy Nathan is going to hate me for this, but I still find Zooey Deschanel to be a quirky, annoying bimbo whose acting and singing makes me cringe. But hey, at least she’s a step above Katy Perry. Amiright?!
  • Still haven’t been able to decipher what 99 problems Jay-Z is talking about. Come to think of it, I’m quite sure NO ONE can think of 99 problems right off the top of their head. If you can, please enlighten me.
  • This blog has 735 words.
  • Shit, it’s actually 737 if I include “735 words.”
  • FUCK! Now we’re at 749. Have to round shit out to make myself feel better, so…
  • 760.
UPDATE!
  • Christina from Firecracker Films in the UK contacted me and I might be one of the lucky few who get to contribute in the MTV bullying documentary. Sweet, right?
  • I totally forgot to mention Steve, my hooker-slaying neighbor here at U of M. Not only does he clean the prostitute covered streets of Ann Arbor, he also enjoys Metallica. We’re gonna mark that down as a WIN.
  • Who the fuck cares how many words are in this? Honestly.

Charlie Gallagher: 38 Facts (or Not) About a Midwestern Fat Kid

Charlie Gallagher (n.) – He who shan’t be fucked with; he who is unfuckwithable.

I figure I’d try a little some’n some’n to break the ice on this here blog. I’ve spent the past couple weeks compiling thirty-eight facts about me that I feel comfortable sharing with you, my audience of approximately six or seven (thousand!!) mouth-breathing, twenty-year old dudes with a chow hole full of braces because the “ladies think they’re dope.” Granted, I honestly cannot think of thirty-eight interesting things about myself, so I guess it’s up to you to decipher fact from fiction all on your own. Without further ado, I present to you “Charlie Gallagher: 38 Facts (or Not) About a Midwestern Fat Kid.”

  1. I was born Searlus John O’Gallochobhair in County Donegal, Ireland.
  2. I had my name changed in 1997 because I was tired of kicking kids’ asses at school for making fun of it. My fist can only take so many protruding bones before I need to lay low for a while.
  3. My parents and I came to America in 1994 because they thought “Soul Train” was still on-air. With afro-picks and bell bottoms in their suitcases, they made their way to New York or Los Angeles or whatever big city in which “Soul Train” was filmed and were sorely disappointed.

    Satan

    Seen Here: Dream Crusher

  4. They took their frustration out on me in the form of physical and mental abuse, mainly involving dad’s size 36 belt and a LaserDisc copy of “Watership Down.”

    And now a pause so you can cry like a little bitch.

  5. I was raised in a modest little town in Michigan, but was whisked away to Ohio in the sixth grade.
  6. At age nine I was inducted to the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame as an honorary member.  I still have no idea what the fuck that even means or how it happened.
  7. I can only remember so much of my childhood, much of it consisting of Rice Krispies and bananas, my mom spanking me with a brush, my ball surgery, and how some kid used to punch me in the gut every time I’d go check the mail by myself.
  8. My favorite movie at age 10 was “Conan the Barbarian.” Even then I realized that Arnold Schwarzenegger was snubbed at the Academy Awards, where he OBVIOUSLY should have been given the Best Actor statue.

    I still maintain that that joint is filled with talent, success, and ‘roids.

  9. To this day I can sing 95% of Brandy & Monica’s “The Boy Is Mine.”
  10. One of best friends from Ionia has kept in touch since Kindergarten, where I remember him wearing pajamas on most days.
  11. I made the mistake of showing my ex-girlfriend, Kim Kardashian, the very first video Justin Bieber posted on YouTube. You know, just to poke fun and write silly comments…

    I am SO sorry, America.

  12. Throughout middle school my nickname was Big Thick McPrick. Even the teachers would call me by that name.
  13. I won a local talent show with my spot on Don LaFontaine impression.
  14. Due to said talent, I lost my virginity at the age of 15.
  15. Unlike 89% of Americans, I went to high school. To prove to my parents that I wasn’t a total waste of space, I passed every class with a D+. Who’s the dumbass fuckhead now, Dad?!
  16. I graduated from high school and decided to go to the University of Michigan, one of the greatest schools in the country.
  17. I am majoring in pornographic studio management and minoring in Tae Kwon Do. Yeah, those are real.
  18. I’ve written a movie script already.
  19. I have the most eclectic assortment of movie knowledge in my head. I don’t know everything, but we’ll say I’m pretty boss at trivia.
  20. One time I dared to fear the reaper.
  21. My brother, David Gallagher, played Simon in the show “7th Heaven.” Look it up.

    Don’t deny the resemblance.

  22. When I got to college I was a nervous wreck. I got so stressed one day that my nose bled for a good hour, kind of like the scene from “Drag Me to Hell” where the main character’s face shoots blood.
  23. I have a Batman shirt that I wear quite a bit. People actually scream to me for help when I’m doing my shopping now. I would save them, but groceries don’t buy themselves, you know?
  24. I used to walk to Lake Michigan (over 100 miles away from home), jump in, and swim to Chicago just because Mom couldn’t cook a decent meal.
  25. The IQ test I took recently gave me a 700. That’s higher than my credit score, which I believe is around 115 or 120. Wait…….fuck!

    To whom it may concern: Is it too late to change my mind?

  26. I’m allergic to red brick.
  27. My lack of facial hair at damn near 20 years old makes me believe God has a sense of humor and just doesn’t think I’d look good with a beard.
  28. I was approached by a hot Hollywood producer to star in a remake of “Beverly Hills Ninja.”
  29. Girlfriend Count: 0. Kiss Count: 0. Sex Count: 0. Pity Count: 56.
  30. MC Hammer still hasn’t returned my pants.
  31. I find women in Pontiac Bonnevilles extremely attractive.
  32. Last time I was at a Chuck E. Cheese, I got terribly lost in the play place and freaked the fuck out.

    Pictured: Satan and the Blowfish of Hell.

  33. Now I haven’t checked in weeks, but I’m pretty sure my weight still floats at around 180 pounds, give or take a few ounces.
  34. My favorite bands are Cannibal Corpse, Sperm Swamp, Anal Cunt, and Tina Turner (those legs!).
  35. My greatest fears are birds, bats, heights, clowns, ladders, tight spaces, centipedes/millipedes/silver fish, and the deep parts of most lakes.
  36. I made a shot for shot re-creation of “Highlander” in my backyard with the original cast, including Sean Connery and Christopher Lambert. (Let’s face it, they weren’t doing anything anyways.)
  37. Mogwai, the cure for cancer, hover cars, telekinesis and lightsabers are very much real, it’s just that no one’s asked me politely to reveal them. Say it with me: PLEASE.
  38. This blog is how I’m going to be remembered, which is alright by me.