John Grisham Says Child Porn “Not So Bad;” Claims Offenders “May Have the Cure for Ebola”

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John Grisham, critically-acclaimed author of several legal suspense novels such as A Time to Kill, The Rainmaker, and, most recently, Gray Mountain, recently said in an interview with the UK-based Daily Telegraph that people who look at child pornography are not fairly tried in court. “You see, I have friends that have looked at child porn,” Grisham states, “and they got sent away for ten, fifteen years. Is that fair? Is our justice system fair? Absolutely not. These friends were drunk and unaware of what they were looking up. It’s really not so bad.” The author then went on saying that the sites they visited contained photos of “sixteen-year-old girls,” then stated “it’s not like they were little boys.”

When asked what he thought would be fair punishment for these offenders, Grisham defended them by saying, “I don’t know a hundred percent, but it shouldn’t be years! I wholeheartedly believe that these people are just misunderstood, mistaken, and perpetually inebriated. What if some Joe Schmo is locked up that may have the cure for Ebola? You’re going to feel awfully silly throwing that man in maximum security prison for simply looking at some naked kids when everyone’s bleeding from the eyes. It’s just ridiculous.”

Grisham has also gone on the record saying that he knows a serial arsonist in prison who has “for sure” unlocked the secrets of time travel.

For Your October Scare-a-thons

october

The most wonderful time of the year is here, kids: OCTOBER! I’m a sucker for all things fall, but this month has held a special space in my heart ever since my very first AMC Fearfest back in, uh, whatever year it was. What I do know is that horror movies are my favorite things. No matter how shitty the reviews are for any horror flick, I will make it a point to sit through it and give it my own stamp of approval or, in some cases, rejection. Since I’m a nice fella with nearly flawless taste, I have compiled a list for you guys, a list of some of my favorite horror flicks. (A lot of these movies are on Netflix now, but when I watched some of them they were lesser known gems. Does my animosity towards their “popularity” make me a hipster? Meh, probably, but that’s OK.) To save time and space I won’t go into major detail for any of these, but will instead give you a brief idea of what they are about and my own little opinion to help convince you to grab a friend and some popcorn and watch them with the lights off. Without further ado, here is my list!

SLOW BURNS: Films That Gain Momentum Over Time

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1. House of the Devil – 2009, Ti West – A young college girl offers to house sit for a strange couple, only to find out they have darker, more sinister plans for her. Definitely one of the better horror movies to come out in the past five years. Be prepared to jump.

Frailty

2. Frailty – 2001, Bill Paxton – Two young boys witness their father slip into religious paranoia and start killing “demons” for God. Not many people have seen this movie, which is a shame because it packs a serious punch and will have you at the edge of your seat more than once during its runtime.

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3. The Descent – 2005, Neil Marshall – Six women go cave-diving to strengthen their friendship, but soon find that they are far from alone in the darkness. I didn’t originally want to call this a slow burner, but I think the pace is a little slower in the beginning. Personally I would say that this is in my top five of all time. It’s even scarier if you are claustrophobic.

UNSETTLING: Films That Will Turn Your Stomach While You Cower in Fear

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1. Martyrs – 2008, Pascal Laugier – A French film about a woman who seeks revenge many years after being kidnapped and tortured at the hands of a group of people seeking to understand life and death. OK, THIS is my favorite horror flick of all time, hands down. A bloody, terrifying, gut-wrenching spectacle. Watch it NOW!

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2. ABC’s of Death – 2012, Various Directors – Twenty-six ways to die by twenty-six directors. Not much else to say beyond that. (The second one came out today!)

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3. Big Bad Wolves – 2013, Navot Papushado & Ahron Keshales – An Israeli film. After the murders of young girls, a distraught father and a renegade cop decide to kidnap and torture the man responsible. A hard-to-watch yet comedic thrill ride, this will definitely get your blood boiling.

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4. The Woman – 2008, Lucky McKee – A family man encounters a feral woman in the woods and decides to give her his own lesson in humanity, all while his family watches. Lucky McKee (All Cheerleaders Die) can do no wrong. This is arguably his best work.

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5. The Loved Ones – 2009, Sean Byrne – An Australian film about an obsessive high school girl who kidnaps her love interest before prom and ensures that he’ll never leave her. A truly twisted movie about young love and the lengths one girl will go to make a boy appreciate her.

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6. The Girl Next Door – 2007, Gregory Wilson – After her parents pass away, a young girl must live with her psychotic aunt and cousins, who torture, rape, and antagonize her to no end. This one is very, very hard to watch and will stick with you until the day you die.

FOUND FOOTAGE: Films Made In a Realistic Fashion to Immerse You Even Further

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1. VHS & VHS 2 – 2012/2013, Various Directors – Horror shorts that offer up supernatural, realistic, or even extraterrestrial scares, all from the perspective of those involved. The greatest horror series of the past twenty years.

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2. Willow Creek – 2013, Bobcat Goldthwait – A couple goes camping deep in the woods, only to be stalked and harassed by Bigfoot. Though you never truly see the monster, the sounds and practical effects alone are enough to scare the shit out of you.

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3. The Den – 2013, Zachary Donohue – While conducting a social experiment on a site similar to Chat Roulette, a woman witnesses a murder, then starts being hunted by those involved. Innovative in the sense that everything you see is from a laptop, this movie slipped under the radar for most. It’s definitely worth checking out, especially if you enjoyed VHS.

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4. The Upper Footage (UPPER) – 2013, Justin Cole – A group of privileged teens party in a lush loft for a night and accidentally kill a girl they brought over from the bar. It seems so real! Almost a social commentary about how the rich can practically get away with murder, this movie is definitely one that will make you feel a bit uneasy.

ZOMBIES: Films About, Well, Zombies

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1. The Battery – 2012, Jeremy Gardner – Two friends travel together during a massive zombie outbreak, moving from place to place and doing what they can to survive. This one’s a bit different than the rest in that it’s not necessarily violent or scary, but it still stands out as one of the greatest zombie films I have ever seen. I was reluctant to even talk about zombies (since it’s one of the most popular “genres” of today) but then I remembered this flick and felt the need to share the love.

WTF?: Films That Aren’t Really Horror Films at All But Will Still Have You Kind of Creep’d Out

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1. I Think We’re Alone Now – 2008, Sean Donnelly – A documentary about two individuals who are absolutely obsessed with 80’s pop sensation Tiffany. I don’t consider this at all scary; HOWEVER, after I watched it I felt that people can be really, really weird, which is unsettling in its own unique way.

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2. Dear Zachary – 2008, Kurt Kuenne – A man directs a film for a child to remind him of his father, who was murdered by the crazy mother. I won’t say a word about this movie, but be prepared to feel a deep sense of dread, then cry your eyes out.

OTHERS: 10 More Films That Didn’t Really Fit Into Other Categories That You Still Need to Watch

1. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

2. Slither

3. Cheap Thrills

4. Would You Rather?

5. Deadgirl

6. Kill List

7. The Snowtown Murders

8. The Devil’s Rejects

9. Splinter

10. Session 9

51 Things I’ve Done to Pass the Time While Waiting to Return to School

As some of you may know, I’ve had to postpone my trip back to good old Ann Arbor due to some unforeseen obstacles. Fret not, friends and hipsters, I will be back this January! Save me a beer.

Many people have asked what I’ve been doing these past few months to prepare myself for my junior year at college. To help explain I have compiled a list of several things I’ve done to pass the time in case you’re one of the nosy bastards who feels the need to keep tabs on me at all times, Jessica.

1. Hanging out with my niece and nephew.

2. Writing prompts.

3. Independently studying the Dutch language.

4. Getting heartburn.

5. Trying to make a Dark Souls character look exactly like Darth Maul.

6. Perfecting my Estuary English dialect.

7. Air drumming.

8. Looking up cute pictures of Slow Lorises.

Aww.

Aww.

AWW.

AWW.

AWWW!!

AWWW!!

Um...aww?

Um…aww?

9. Visiting petting zoos.

10. Writing bits and pieces of my three screenplays.

11. Studying serial killers.

12. Dodging bill collectors.

14. Being superstitious.

15. Being clever.

16. Writing this:

MZcKI0y

17. Reading all the books on my shelf.

18. Wishing I never sold my custom computer.

19. Wishing I never sold my DSLR.

20. Trying to overcome my fear of birds.

21. Failing to overcome my fear of birds.

22. Going on a Criminal Minds binge.

23. Missing Breaking Bad.

24. Trying to memorize all the words to “Rap God.”

25. Annoying people on Snapchat.

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26. Sweating.

27. Tweeting.

28. Changing my phone number.

29. Listening to this song:

30. Winning caption contests.

31. Talking to women on Tinder.

32. Feeling inadequate.

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33. Wondering who would win in a fight between Warwick Davis and Peter Dinklage.

34. Putting money on Dinklage.

35. Being a curmudgeonly young adult.

36. Researching how to be an intern for Conan O’Brien.

37. Laughing at Nathan For You.

38. Having a sweet idea for a restaurant:

Blood drives every weekend for 35% off your meal!

Blood drives every weekend for 35% off your meal!

39. Hitting the online dating scene:

Worked like a charm.

Worked like a charm.

40. Wondering what I’d look like if I were skinny.

41. Trying to stay sane.

42. Finding this absolutely hilarious:

43. Re-learning Spanish.

44. Being nostalgic.

45. Teaching myself how to cook.

46. Burning food.

47. Teaching kids how to properly swear.

48. Definitely not stalking my high school crush.

49. Poking fun at Apple products.

50. Being attacked by people offended by Apple jokes.

51. Trying way too hard to come up with a list of 51 random things.

OK, that’s all for now. Take care. Or don’t. S’up to you.

It’s Not Your Fault

I don’t want to call myself a comedian; that wouldn’t be accurate. I crack jokes on Twitter and in the company of others to hopefully make at least one person smile, but I wouldn’t say that makes me a comedian, no matter how often I wish that were the case. I’ve only been on a stage twice in my life. I’ve never been paid to make anyone laugh. I’m just a dude who, though a self-proclaimed misanthropic curmudgeon, honestly likes to see people happy, no matter the method. That all being said, I’ve also battled with clinical depression for a good portion of my life, as well as thoughts of suicide. The laughter comes at a price.

Never in a million years did I think I’d be one to have such thoughts. Yeah, life early on had its ups and downs with my parents’ divorce when I was around six or seven, the financial troubles I was a part of, the yearly moves and school transfers, etc — I just thought I was sad all the time or, better yet, simply disappointed in myself and my situation. As time passed and my brain began to develop and mature, I started thinking that maybe something was wrong, that maybe my wiring was a bit off. My teen years were filled with emotion, change, and pain. Headaches became frequent, fits of rage became sporadic, and tears fell from my eyes for seemingly no reason at least three times a week. At school I kept my shit together, put on a smile, walked the halls with the rest of the world, waved to everyone, and played it cool, but when I went home I wanted to be alone in my room and in my head. That’s when I beat myself up the most.

Would drinking mouthwash in excess do the trick? Nah, that’d probably just give me a stomach ache. Maybe I can go for a ride with friends and jerk the wheel on a back road? No no no, I wouldn’t want to hurt them in the process. Does anyone I know have a gun? Come on, Charlie, don’t make them see you like that…

That’s the kind of stuff I would think about. On the outside I was this chubby, lovable, happy-go-lucky, and overall kind person, but I had demons of my own to take care of, to fight off and lock up before I started my day. I had no one to talk to; I didn’t want to burden others with my troubles because that would just be an inconvenience to them. I sincerely didn’t think anyone would take me seriously if I attempted to lay out my issues, so I kept them hidden from everyone, even family. All through high school this dragged on. Then came college.

In 2010 I moved to Ann Arbor to begin my stint at UMich. The transition from small town to college town was huge. All of that change and culture shock hit me at once. Sure I made friends, ones that I talk to and love to this day, but the depression ate at me more than ever while I was there. I’d lock myself in my room, turn off all of the lights, and sleep. People would pound on the door and yell because they knew I was in there. I would never respond to them. I’d even go as far as hiding in a corner with a blanket over me so that there was no way ANYONE would be able to see me, even if they found a way to peek under my door. I suppose the reason I didn’t want anyone to come in is because I put on a front and pretended to be happy. This opened another door to them to talk to me about their own issues, forcing me to listen and concern myself with more problems that weren’t even my own. I would console them and comfort them, make them feel good about their situations until they were able to sleep soundly at night. Not to say their problems were added weight to my shoulders, but tack those on to an already full mind and I was beating myself up even more over what I knew was petty bullshit. I know it sounds strange, but my brain felt just like I did: it wanted to be left alone.

Later on I would try my hand in comedy. During the good days I would write a whole helluva lot of material, so why not share that? Who knows, maybe it would make me feel better. The first time I was onstage was beautiful and I loved every minute of it. The jokes were solid, the crowd was beautiful, and I seemed to have a knack for it. The second time was not as well-done, but I knew that every amateur comic had their moments, so I didn’t sweat it too much. These two instances lead to briefly happier times and more intimate writing sessions where I could release my troubles through jokes. Again, these moments were brief.

More bad thoughts came as the clock ticked forward. What would happen if I dove from the fourth floor window? There’s a chance it would just hurt a lot, but not necessarily do the trick. Well, what about the buses? They’re constantly running routes, right? Dive in front of one of those. No way! That’s going to fuck with the many people that have to witness that. Have some decency, man.

That was the last straw for me. I ducked out of college in 2012, partly due to financial issues, but mainly because I didn’t belong there. Everyone was out and about having a good time, spending money, spending time with friends, spending their youth enjoying life, while I was cowering in a corner pathetically trying to hide from anyone that wanted to see me. That was no way for a twenty-year old to live.

The next couple years were spent working and trying to better myself. I’d put in 50-70 hours at work, during which time I wouldn’t worry too much about my personal life. This was OK, but the depression war raged on at home, only this time I was truly alone. I finally went to a doctor to get help in early 2013. The antidepressants he gave me were enough to keep the crying fits at bay, but they weren’t helping me as much as I’d like them to. I do suppose this may have been because I lied to him and said I never had thoughts of suicide (I didn’t want to trouble the poor guy). He upped the dosage after I explained this to him, which seemed to help a little bit, but I definitely still felt shitty most of the time. This cycle of lying and medicating went on and on and on to, well, present day.

I still feel this way most days. I laugh as much as possible and encourage others to do the same, but behind this curtain of happiness is still a very sad, lonely, angry person. And last night everything was kind of put into perspective when I read the breaking news headlines:

ROBIN WILLIAMS IS DEAD.

Not just dead, but apparently dead from suicide. Robin Williams…suicide… It didn’t add up. One of my heroes, my inspirations, the man who could lift me up more than a majority of people in my real life ever could, the man who did the same for nearly every single person on the planet with a television set, the man who seemed to be the kindest, gentlest, and arguably funniest person in the history of entertainment…killed himself?

Why? Why? Why? That’s all I could ask myself. How could someone like that take his own life? Robin Williams dealt with a lot of shit that was made public, but those were speed bumps, right? How could he feel so…depressed? Did depression cause this? All this time he was lifting the spirits of millions of people, was he really this sad? Alone? Afraid?

The whole situation got my mind racing at a hundred miles a minute. Then I began to simmer down and think: If I have felt this way for so long, who’s to say this man wasn’t going through similar bullshit?  People go through it all the time and Mr. Williams is no different. We all saw him as this funny character, but none of us truly knew what went on while the cameras weren’t on him. This is not unlike the rest of us who deal with issues every single day; no one knows what we are going through unless we talk about it. If we are not honest with those we love, then how can they possibly know that the person they see isn’t real? I guess that’s the reason why I’m writing this.

Listen to your loved ones. Don’t just talk to them and try to relate to what they’re going through, fucking listen. Don’t assume that because someone is happy or funny or generous on the outside, they are feeling the same way on the inside. For years I have felt that I have had no one to talk to about any of this because every conversation I try to have turns into the other person trying to one-up my problems. I know everyone has shit to deal with, but it’s important to just be there for others. Let them talk. Let them vent. Let them cry, for Christ’s sake. Hug them, hold them, rock them, rub their back, stroke their hair, kiss their cheek, dry their eyes. Do what you can to be there for them. You never know what’s going to happen in the future, so do your best to be there for those who need it most. Trust me when I say that they will return the favor tenfold, especially if they are in better spirits when that time comes.

I, for one, am glad to report that I am slowly trying to transition into a better lifestyle through a mixture of comedy, medication, education, and self-realization, but this will most definitely take some time. The power of laughter is real, my friends, and Robin Williams was proof of that. If you’re like me or Robin or millions of others who suffer from depression, then you must also realize that there needs to be balance in your life. Laughter can heal; however, you have to not only make others laugh but find time to better yourself as well, through writing, performing, reading, drawing, etc. You need to smile, too, dammit.

And if you are dealing with thoughts of suicide, DO NOT HESITATE TO TALK TO SOMEONE. There is always someone to talk to at 1-800-273-TALK (8255). I know calling the “suicide hotline” might feel strange or whatever, but when there’s no one else around they will help you fight your battle. “You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.*”  You are not alone. You are loved.

*Rest in Peace, Mr. Robin Williams

xjbQU6A

Ah, L’amour

Hi-ya everybody! I’m taking a break from my flourishing online dating profile to talk to you about, well, online dating. See, I never thought I’d utilize the tool, but lately I’ve become a lonely fatty — this is a couple steps under regular fatty and one notch above depressed fatty — and being lonely sucks the largest of dicks. What the hell, there are free sites where folks like me can strike up a conversation with anyone, right? WRONG. I’ve found that being a fat, broke metalhead, albeit a self-proclaimed fun one, isn’t necessarily what people are looking for in a friend, let alone a goddamn significant other. I’ve gone from looking for love (*cough* seemingly a waste of time *cough*) to simply stating that I’d like to just find friends to shoot the shit with. Nope, users will be having none of that.

So I made a list, kids, a totally rad list that will work for guys and gals alike that are wanting to join the online dating scene. These may not come as a shock to you, but judging by the amount of people that I’ve seen visit my profile and just not even say hi back, I was a bit thrown off. Like, couldn’t you give me the common courtesy of a “fuck off, you goofy bastard” or “sorry, no fatties?” Hell, I’d settle for a “I have enough friends already, thanks.” Sorry, sorry, I digress. Here’s a list of things that you’ll need to consider before stepping into the world of creating e-friendships and/or e-friendships with benefits:

1. Be mostly attractive. This one is completely subjective depending on who’s looking at that precious mug of yours, but for the most part you have to look like you take care of yourself more than the next match. Strong personality? Engaging conversation? Laugh out loud sense of humor? GET THAT WEAK SHIT OUT OF HERE! In order to impress the pants off someone (figuratively or literally) you’re going to have to be exactly what they’re looking for. Don’t let these dating sites become one-stop shopping for weirdos and butterfaces. Come on, people, it’s called fucking decorum. Get some.

Try being this guy...

Try being this guy…

...not this assface.

…not this assface.

2. Like all kinds of music. This one seems to be pretty big in the dating world. When you start listing specific bands that you enjoy rocking out to — bands with names like Butthole Surfers or Killer Be Killed — people get weirded out. You better just say you don’t have a favorite just like everyone else so that there’s no death stares coming your way. (Disclaimer: A lot of people think “all kinds” doesn’t actually mean all kinds, it’s simply a blanket term for Imagine Dragons, Luke Bryan, Florida-Georgia Line, Jason Derulo, and the Black Keys. Try not adding variety with other bands for you will get nowhere. No one knows nor cares about that silly band called Pelican.)

3. Don’t have your own standards or types, despite seeing everyone else listing their own. You remember back in high school when you and your four friends would go out and see a group of, what do ya know, five cute people? That’s one for each of you! But hey, you’re the big one in the bunch, so it’s only right that you go for the big one in that group. No one wants to be with your gelatinous ass! Take one for the team this time and every time! Apply this same principle to your online dating standards. If you post double-chinned selfies, then don’t expect to be able to even lift a leg onto the high horse that others are riding. Stick to ones “like you,” just like your friends taught you long ago.

4. Don’t expect to become anyone’s friend. Dating sites are for dating ONLY! If you explicitly say that you’d like to be friends with someone, guy or girl, then no one will believe you because there’s always a motive. Sincerely wanting to just talk and possibly hang out is too much and no one cares about being your friend. Skip the bullshit and find friends the old-fashioned way: Lord of the Rings chat rooms.

Shout out to my homeboy, Craig!

Shout out to my homeboy, Craig!

5. Try not being so different. The Lord Almighty created cookie cutters for a reason, honey. No need to bake a gingerbread Goro when there are perfectly good man-shapes already made for you.

This is you. Keep it that way!

This is you now. Keep it that way.

6. Lie, lie, lie! Do you have depression? Not anymore you don’t! How much do you weigh? 180 last time you checked! You don’t like The Notebook? Fuck, now ya do! It’s all about telling your matches what they want to hear. They’ll find out who you really are once you’ve been together for six months, so don’t bore them with details of your life now. Throw down that you make $80,000 a year or that you’ve been told you’re “fucking legit” at oral sex. What they don’t know won’t hurt them!

___________________________________________________________

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Did you take notes, children? Are you well on your way to becoming the most dateable motherfucker in town? I sure hope so. If you need any more life advice, don’t hesitate to call or text your Uncle Charlie. I might be a while ’cause I’m going to have Lionel Richie blasting on repeat while I dive into this Ben & Jerry’s.

By myself.

Fusterclucked

I’m a part-time insomniac. I don’t mean to make light of those who suffer from grown-up insomnia, but I only find it impossible to sleep maybe four days out of the week, five tops. If you’re keeping track of the time at home (it’s pert’near 4:00 AM here) then you are well aware that tonight is one of those restless nights. I’ve tried watching boring movies, reading a book, taking medication, mastur– WHOA! No. This isn’t a tell-all, naughty time blog post. My apologies to the five of you who really wanted that mental image.

Psst... Call me ;).

Psst… Call me ;).

With the annoyance of this shitty sleeplessness comes random bursts of creativity, something I don’t get nearly as often since my good-for-nothing doctor put me on Zoloft. Yeah, sure, sometimes I feel like that bouncy little fuckhead from those old commercials, but it also drains my brain and makes me, dare I say it, somewhat normal. Perhaps the insomnia is a side effect of this, a sort of fuck the system rebellion my body is pulling so that I can someday share my clusterfucked bullshit with the world.

Though I don't think anyone's super ready for that yet.

Though I don’t think anyone’s super ready for that yet.

Looking at the bright side, I have had a lot of time to do things that I hope to someday release — screenplays, comedy bits, short movies, etc. For instance, I have a couple of stories outlined that I’m converting into screenplays within the next few months. One is a sort of fantasy/sci-fi number about a man who is actually addicted to dreaming. Just like how heroin, sex, and Nutella are habit-forming for a lot of people, this dude gets high on his dreams, no matter what they may be; the more intense, the better, he believes. He begins dishing out tons of money for sleep aids and experiments that thrust him into lucid dreams so that he can get his fix, since that is the only way he seems to be able to function in day-to-day reality. S’a good one.

The next project I have been preparing is more of a drama that pulls from my own life experiences. I won’t go into details on this (it can get a little sappy), but let’s just say there’s going to be lots of laughter, crying, drugs, and maybe even some softcore lesbian sex. Trust me, it’s not there because I’m some kind of perv, it’s there for a reason that I’ll explain later. For the time being, just think about how the fuck lesbian sex is pulled from my own life experiences.

Speaking of... HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN SEASON TWO OF 'ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK?' So. Fucking. Good.

Speaking of… HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN SEASON TWO OF ‘ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK?’ So. Fucking. Good.

As for the comedy, I’ve got a lot of new material that is, well, more me. If the Zoloft is doing anything right for me, it’s definitely made me realize that I have less fucks to give. Crowds don’t faze me anymore, nor do spotlights, controversy, or self-deprecation. I’m ready to showcase a newer version of me, while still remaining faithful to my storytelling and slightly fabricated tales of truth. I don’t promise much, but I can sure as fuck guarantee a fun time and maybe even a change of underwear.

On top of all of this, I still have plenty of time to indulge in games on my computer, educate myself with some nonfiction reading, and maintain a very sad yet hopeful online dating profile. It’s a lot of multitasking, but goddammit I have to show everyone that fat kids like me are totally capable of running the marathon. Am I right or am I right?

OH! ONE MORE THING! I also do these shitty things in my spare time. Got quite the collection going and they’re only getting better (?).

showcase

That gentleman at the bottom riding the velociraptor is Turner Watson, a damn cool dude with a blog of his own. Check out http://www.turnerwatson.com and prepare to be amused.

I’m out, folks. Peace up, A-town down… One love… Bye-bye biatch… Whatever the kids are saying these days.

Rip ‘is bloody froat out!

Doctor? I DON’T NEED NO STINKIN’ DOCTOR! Well, actually, having a doctor check out my throat would be a grand idea, but I’ve been against the idea lately because I’m uninsured until I go back to school in the fall. Uninsured. Ain’t that some shit? My idea was to have a heart-to-heart with my immune system and enforce a strict “don’t get fucking sick or I’ll jam pack my body full of Flinstones vitamins and Children’s Robitussin” rule. Turns out vital bodily functions can’t understand you when you talk to them. Figures.

So here I am, jamming to new age instrumental music alone on my sister’s couch, reviewing English grammar (there’s an app for that!) ’cause I don’t think we learned enough about it in school, and bitching about feeling like Jake Busey in Identity.

Hey, some people haven't seen it. This visual is important!

Hey, some people haven’t seen the movie. This visual is important!

The truth is, I like to think I have a pretty high pain threshold, guys. I’m a fucking MAN! The dude I play in everyday life, the sensitive daffodil of a boy with nothing but love to give, he’s just a candy shell over the Snake Plissken-esque rugged motherfucker that I truly am.

Pictured: My face stubble (50x magnification)

Pictured: My face stubble (50x magnification)

Being such a bad mama jama, I rank this sore throat at a solid 4. That’s nothin’! That’s… That’s like a wasp sting, except, you know, in the throat. A stubbed toe? I’d give that a 5. Passing kidney stones: 7. The surgery I had on my testicles (the thought alone): 8. The Holy Grail of pain — the rare 10 — has to be the double thigh cramp. Have you ever felt such a godawful pain in your fucking life? There you are, chillin’ in bed, finishing up a Kitchen Nightmares marathon on Netflix, when suddenly your holiday hams decide to seize at the same goddamn time. You’re wrapped up in blankets, the cat’s on your chest pinning you down, and the dog is acting as a pair of furry shackles around your ankles. “FUCK EVERYTHING!” you shout as you flail about like you’re an epileptic fish out of water getting tased by the fish police. Your dog whimpers as you kick him off the bed. Your cat hisses as she claws the moles of your man melons. Your blanket cocoon flies to the other side of the room. All this commotion for fucking thigh cramps. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have my inflamed tonsils ripped out by Captain Hook right now than endure that shit anytime soon.

The point I am trying to make is that everything is going to be OK. I’ll just keep sucking on these cough drops until my shit’s better, then I’ll be back to 100%. Until then, I’m off to re-learn prepositions! Remember: Prepositions aren’t words that you should end a sentence with.

Stay in school!

Stay in school!